Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Friday, December 21, 2012

That He gave His only Son...

I heard a story on KTIS driving into work the other day that made me cry and touched me so much. Being a parent now, things about children affect me more and this one was no different. For Christmas this year, we are planning to serve dinner to 50 people in a homeless shelter downtown, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was a bit nervous to bring Aven. After hearing this story it just put things into perspective for me that Aven isn't solely MY child. She is a child of God,  entrusted to my care while she's on earth. Thinking about it that way is so different than the worldly way of looking at our children as our possessions or our prizes. I don't want this to come across as that I don't view Aven as my daughter - because I do - but I recognize that every good and perfect gift comes from above, including her.

My point is that this story really hit home for me and helped me to feel more at ease with bringing Aven to a different and perhaps uncomfortable environment on Christmas. What better way to show the love of Christ than through the smiling eyes of a little baby.

Read the story below...


We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking. Suddenly Erik squealed with glee and said, ‘Hi.’ He pounded his fat baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter as he wriggled and giggled with merriment. I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled.. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists as he said ‘Hi there, baby, hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster,” the man said to Erik. My husband and I exchanged looks, ‘What do we do?’ Erik continued to laugh and answer, ‘Hi. ‘Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, ‘Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek- a-boo!’ Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously intoxicated I thought. My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence, all except for Erik who was running through his repertoire for the admiring transient, who in turn, reciprocated with his comments. We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. ‘Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik,’ I prayed. As I drew closer to the man I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby’s ‘pick-me-up’ position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man.

 Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby shared their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man’s ragged shoulder. The man’s eyes closed and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time.

 I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, ‘You take care of this baby.’ Somehow I managed, ‘I will,’ from a throat that contained a stone.
He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, ‘God bless you, ma’am, you’ve given me my Christmas gift.’ I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, ‘My God, my God, forgive me.’ I had just witnessed Christ’s love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment, a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking, ‘Are you willing to share your son for a moment?’ when He shared His for all eternity. How did God feel when he put his baby in our arms 2000 years ago? The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, ‘To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children. Sometimes it takes a child to remind us of what is really important.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Returning to work...

As I sit here on a lazy Sunday evening with my family, I feel so peaceful and don't feel any of the "Sunday night blues" because I don't have to return to work tomorrow! However, it's the last Sunday I'll have like this, as this week is my last full week at home with Aven (and it's a busy holiday one at that!) and I return to work Wednesday 11/28.

Before I had her, I said that I needed to return to work, wanted to work, and genuinely felt I would be a better mother if I was working - you know, having my "own" daily life and identity outside of being a mom. Well I don't know who I was kidding. I've loved every single minute of being Aven's mommy full time and would rather do that 24/7 than any other job on earth (even a professional singer, my "dream" job!). Don't get me wrong - I really do enjoy my job and love the people I work with so feel blessed to return to that environment, but will so miss being with my little girl every minute of every day.

These past (almost) 12 weeks have flown by so fast - everyone told me they would, and they weren't kidding! I can honestly say it's been the toughest and best 12 weeks of my life, and things truly keep getting better each day. That's why it's so tough to leave her NOW because she's not the helpless dependant little newborn, but getting to be such a sweet, fun little baby whose personality is just now really developing. I feel like I know her so well, know what each cry and coo means, know her routine and schedule, and know exactly what to do to make her happy. I fear that, in returning to work and not being with her all day, I'll lose that. I won't know her as well anymore. And that makes me sad beyond belief. I know I'll still have weeknights and weekends, but also know how much I'll miss out on each day. She is growing and changing and learning so much every day and I'm sad that instead of being a part of her daily world, I'll be working.

In addition to feeling sad, I'm filled with fears - some irrational, some not. I'm afraid she'll love the nanny we hired more than me. I'm afraid I won't be able to pump enough to give her milk for each day. I'm afraid she won't want to nurse when I am home. I'm afraid I won't get anything done besides loving on her, because that's all I'll want to do in the moments I'm not at work. I'm afraid she'll love the nanny more than me.

Financially, I do have to go back to work so there's not much choice there. Tyge and I talked and I COULD stay home, but it would be a big cut for us and we're just not able to do that right now. I know 100% that God would provide and we'd be okay if I did stay home, but it was always the "plan" for me to go back, so I'm going to. My dad made an excellent point that if I didn't go back now but in 2 months decided I wanted to, my job would be gone. However, if I go back and 2 months from now decide that I just can't do it, I can always leave. I think that once I go back I'll be fine and will probably adjust and do well in my new working mother role, I've just gotten so used to my stay at home mommy role and am afraid of the change.

So for the next 9 days I plan on locking myself in our house and staring at this face all day:

(Don't judge my penguin comfy pants...)
 

And this face:
(Don't judge my striped comfy pants)
 
 
And doing lots of this:
 
 
 
 
And this:

And with that, I'm off to go snuggle my sweet baby girl!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

What a difference a year makes.

Just about two weeks ago, there was something about this time of year that I recognized. Something about the fall crisp in the air, my friend Katrina's Dipfest party, the UHG Golf Tournament - it all reminded me of something. And then I remembered. Not that I ever forgot, but the blur of the past few weeks with Aven has made my mind not as sharp! This time of year and these events reminded me that one year ago was when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.

It all brought back the memory of seeing that pee stick the first time around, and telling Tyge we were pregnant. 

And then I realized that one year ago today was the day we miscarried.

I'll be spending a few hours this afternoon at the UHG Golf Tournament where last year I had to fight back tears the entire time. This year, I'll be proudly talking about and showing pictures of my daughter who turns 3 weeks old today.

It's so amazing to think that, had we not miscarried our first child, we wouldn't have Aven Hope. Sweet little Aven who we already love so much and can't imagine life without. God truly has a plan for everything that is bigger and better than we can even fathom, and I am so thankful for that. I know we'll meet that first baby in heaven some day, and until then I am so grateful that God planned for Aven to be in our arms instead of just our hearts like the one we lost a year ago.

Me and my sweet baby girl

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Reflections on Pregnancy

I can't believe that I am almost at 40 weeks! Seriously, it seems like just yesterday we were finding out, then telling our family and friends, announcing it on the blog, and now we are days away from the due date! The first 12 weeks did crawl by at a snail's pace, but once I entered into that second trimester the time has just FLOWN by and I find myself not ready for it to be over just yet!

I know the above statement sounds crazy for a pregnant lady about ready to pop to say, but Tyge and I were reflecting last weekend on what an incredible pregnancy I've had. At this point I'm not screaming to "get it out" and not as miserable as many women are at nearly 40 weeks. Aside from the normal uncomfortableness, it has been such an easy, healthy, and happy pregnancy and I am really going to miss it. I am treasuring every kick and wiggle in these last few days and as exciting as it'll be to have Petrie in my arms, I'll really miss having him/her in my belly. I can honestly say that having a miscarriage made me not take this pregnancy for granted for one second. It definitely gave me a positive perspective on things and made me less apt to complain when things weren't so glowing at times. I don't know if I'll be blessed with another pregnancy, so I've really treasured every moment of this one and look back on the past 9 months with nothing but gratitude.


13 weeks


36 weeks
           

I've seen some "Pregnancy Must Have" lists on a few other Mommy blogs I read, so wanted to create one of my own. Here are a few things that really helped me get through this pregnancy:

Preggie Pops - I was so nauseous in the beginning that these really helped me, along with having a light snack right away when I got up in the morning.

Body Pillow - seriously, a lifesaver! Betsy let me borrow hers (I think it's called The Snuzzler?) and I don't know what I would have done without it. Early on I thought it was just comfy and nice to use, but towards the end here it's made a world of difference in my sleep. Though now that I'm getting up to pee so often it's a bit hard to roll over it, but the increased comfort is totally worth the hassle.

Keely loves it too!

Ocean Potion Aloe Lotion - I have Cocoa Butter and Burt's Bees stretch mark lotion, but really haven't used it all that much, and was very lucky to not get stretch marks. I do get pretty dry skin everywhere and have spent time in the sun, and this the the BEST sun care lotion I've ever used. I can only find it at Walmart so stocked up early on and use it every day after my shower!

Greek Yogurt - Of all the cravings I've had, Greek Yogurt was the biggest one! I have this every morning with berries for breakfast, and often again as a snack mid-day.

Tums - As the heartburn has increased, these seemed to help somewhat. Not completely, but they ease the intense burning a bit!

Old Navy maternity side runched tanks and yoga pants - I have some really cute maternity clothes that I wear to work and out on weekends, but I LIVE in these pants and have several colors of the tank that I throw on the minute I get home.



A good bra and maternity undies - I have the Victoria's Secret Incredible for daytime and a comfy sports bra (or no bra haha) for after work. In the beginning, I thought maternity undies were unnecessary but WOW was I wrong! As I got bigger, I bought a few pairs from Target and they are the only one I wear - so comfy. 

Blue Camelbak water bottle - I have this exact water bottle and it's been attached to my hand all pregnancy long. I have been so thirsty and just guzzle out of this thing! I get sick of plain water so have been adding lemon juice to make it tastier. I actually thought I lost this one day at work and almost had a meltdown, but my coworker found it for me - crisis averted. :)

Babycenter - I am such an information gatherer, so having this App, daily emails, and access to the website has been really helpful. Tyge gets an email too so it's been fun to have him tell me things he's learning and what's going on with the baby each week.

Birth stories/Natural birth books - In the beginning I didn't put too much thought into the actual birth itself, but once I realized that I have to get this thing OUT of me, I've been researching HOW I want to do that.  Hearing/reading/watching positive birth stories and reading books like Ina May's Guide to ChildbirthNatural Childbirth The Bradley Way, and Hypnobirthing  has offered me so many great, peaceful birth stories that are like the ones I choose to think about when I picture what Petrie's birth will be like.

 

Experienced girlfriends and family - I am blessed to have many amazing girlfriends, many of who are mommies or pregnant as well. It's been awesome to be surrounded by a network of women who I admire and can pick their brains about what helped them during pregnancy and new mommyhood. Of course, I also looked to my own mom, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law for advice and support along the way which was so valuable!

My amazingly supportive husband - Seriously, I couldn't have made it through these 9 months without him. In the beginning he was so helpful with taking over household chores, cooking, caring for Keely girl, caring for me, etc. Really he's been pitching in extra the entire time! And he didn't bat an eye at the baby to-do list, complain when I asked him to paint a second coat on the nursery walls, or call me crazy when I insisted on hanging curtains at midnight. He has been so patient, loving, and supportive and made me feel beautiful every day, even when I may feel like a whale. He's had extra added stress with his new job taking him out of town and having to read and learn so many new things, but he's still made me and Petrie #1 priority and for that, I am so thankful.

An attitude of gratitude - like I said above, this pregnancy was such a blessing for me/us and I've not taken it for granted for one second. I think after one unsuccessful pregnancy, having the privilege of growing this baby for the past 40 weeks is something I am so thankful for that I chose to focus on that and not the negative aspects pregnancy can bring. This really helped me put things into perspective!

And last but not least - PRAYER, PRAYER, PRAYER! I know my pregnancy and Petrie's health has been covered by the prayers of many and I am so thankful for that. I know that's the reason things have been so amazing thus far, and fully trust God's timing and plan for Petrie's birth as well.

Pinned Image

Any day now, ours will be here!!!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

QT Week Recap

This past week has been amazing - I am sitting here reflecting on what a great week it's been and just smiling. Yes, I'm sad that I had to watch my hunny drive away this afternoon to be 7 hours away when I could go into labor at any time, but not as bad as I thought I'd be.

Basically since he got home a week ago we set aside every night for just us two to hang out, and that's exactly what we've done! We boated last Saturday all day, got ready for the week last Sunday, and spent each weeknight together this past week. We cooked healthy dinners together, ate outside, took walks, had purposeful talks, watched movies in bed and cuddled each other and Keely girl, and just enjoyed each other's company without a to-do list, outside commitments or distractions. It was glorious - we've never done anything like it since being together!

Then this weekend we had a fantastic date on Friday at Acqua on White Bear Lake - yummy food and a beautiful atmosphere. We were going to boat again yesterday but the weather was off and on, so we sat in our backyard and read together all day. Tyge had to study Medical Terminology and I had a few baby books  I wanted to read, so we filled Keely's pool for her to splash around in while I got comfy on my sun lounger and Tyge set up shop on the swing. We spent almost 5 hours out there enjoying the peaceful space with crickets and birds chirping - I got some sun, dozed off a few times, and we both relaxed in the quiet.

She looooves her pool!

Passed out on the swing next to Dad


Saturday night we went to see The Campaign, which I thought was funny and literally laughed so hard I almost peed my pants at one part - which isn't hard these days. :) After studying all day poor Tyge needed a laughter break! Then we ate outside at Granite City and split some yummy food, once again enjoying each other's company and reveling in the reality that it was probably our last date night out for awhile!

Today we slept in, made brunch and ate together, Tyge mowed, we visited a friend's adorable new baby, packed Tyge up, then he left. Keely and I were outside on the driveway as he pulled away and I took her for a walk as I started to tear up, only a little bit. As I took her for a walk I prayed the entire time and just thanked God for the amazing week Tyge and I had together and for all the exciting things we have in store for us soon. I prayed for his safety on the road, safety for us both and for Petrie while we're apart this week, for Tyge to stay as stress free as possible while taking his final exams this week, and for Petrie to come when he gets home.

Honestly though I feel so at peace with whatever will happen - I know it's both Tyge and my desire for him to be here at the start of labor, but we both trust that he'll get here eventually and I have a great plan in place with my mom and our doula, so feel comfortable with that. My meditation verse this week is Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Amen!

My mom comes over tomorrow and I'm looking forward to spending the week with here - it'll be nice to have her here during the day with Keely girl, have her home cooking after work each night, and to just spend some QT with my momma before I become a momma myself.

So this week just FLEW by, and I'm looking forward for this next week to pass just as quickly because I know that with each day that passes Tyge and I are closer to seeing each other again, and becoming PARENTS! :)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Mourning just "US"

So I obviously have a million emotions coursing through my body right now, and the latest one isn't one I was expecting - almost a mourning or sense of loss. Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited to become a parent and meet Petrie in a few short days/weeks, but this week it just hit me that it will no longer be just me and Tyge - no longer just US.

Some say that before you get married you mourn your single life - I guess that's what bachelor and bachelorette parties are for, right?

Winter 2009


Well I never had that feeling before I married Tyge - I could not WAIT to leave my old single life behind and spend the rest of my life with him. And it's been the best 3.5 years of my life to date!

With him gone this week I've had a lot of time to reflect back at all the wonderful memories we've made since meeting in 2007, and I'm not just being cliche when I say that I fall more in love with him every day. Dating him was so fresh, exciting, and new - he was unlike any other guy I'd ever dated and I knew even back then that there was something special about this one and God had big plans for us.


One of our first photos together, 4th of July 2007


As much as I enjoyed the dating stage, I was thrilled when engagement came in 2008 and was so excited to begin that next chapter of having Tyge as my fiance.





Those 9 months flew by and before I knew it, our wedding day and honeymoon came and went, and we settled into life as newlyweds living together for the first time.





Life was great - we were so in love, so happy to be living together in our rental home, and so giddy about what the future held for us. We had really nothing tying us down, not too many responsibilities, date night whenever we wanted, like I said - life was great!

We took the next step in October of that same year and bought our first house, which brought it's first set of challenges our way - home ownership. :) The house hunting process was stressful at times but Tyge and I leaned on each other and in the end bought our dream home. I remember looking at houses and picturing certain rooms as the kids room, imagining our future family sitting down at dinner together, the possibilities were endless.



A few months into living there and we decided we were ready for a little more responsibility and wanted to try pet parenthood before real parenthood - enter Keely girl!

Our first "family" photo

It may sound silly, but the experience of raising a puppy with Tyge was an awesome one and we learned a lot about each other and how we would raise future children - luckily, we were on the same page for most things! Keely has brought so much joy to our lives and I love watching him with her - he is such a great pet Dad that I know he will be a fantastic "real" Dad as well.

Though our married life together has been amazingly blessed, it hasn't been without it's challenges, the biggest of which came last fall with the miscarriage. Aside from the deaths of two of my grandparents that Tyge has been with me for, it was our greatest loss we've experienced together. He was my rock - I have no idea how I would have made it through that time without him. It truly brought us closer together and made me realize that I was really ready to be a "real" parent with him as my partner.

So I know having a baby will only enrich our lives and make me even more in love with him, and 2 days into that "new" life I won't even be able to imagine life without Petrie, but right now I had to admit I'm feeling a little sad that it won't be just us two anymore. I'm hoping that's somewhat normal? Like I said, it just hit me this week that we really only have a week left (while he's here) of just "us" time before our lives are turned upside down, in a GOOD way, but forever changed nonetheless. With each stage of life we've entered into together it's gotten better and better, and I 100% know with all my heart this next stage of parenthood will be the best one yet. However, I still can't help but feel a little scared and sad that (for the next 20+ years anyway!) it will no longer be just "Tyge & Kate".

I guess all this is to say that for the rest of the days before Petrie gets here I vow to take the time to enjoy my husband, to go on dates with him, spend quality time with him, tell him how much I love him, not worry about to-do lists, not spend time doing menial tasks that can wait, but to just soak up all the time left we have as just US,


before Petrie gets here and our lives are changed for the better when we become a family of three (or four with Keely). :)

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The past few weeks (36 & 37)

I've been a bad blogger lately...not because I don't have anything to say, but because I have so MUCH to think about and don't want to be a rambling mess! :) The past few weeks have been FLYING by and I can't believe we only have 3 weeks to go until we meet Petrie. Here are some pics and updates on what's been going on with me the past few weeks:

36 week pic

37 week pic

So, we crazily drove to SD yesterday for my cousin's wedding at 37 weeks pregnant. My midwife checked me out on Thursday and said things didn't look like they would "go" this weekend, so we got the green light to take off! My cousin Tyler and his new wife Katie asked me to sing at their wedding and though we had a backup plan in case I couldn't make it, I was SO happy to be able to to.

Tyge and I took off at 6 AM yesterday (and put the carseat in the car before we left, JUST in case) and made the 4 hour drive with a few pee stops - he drove while I propped my feet on the dash.



We made it there by 11 so I could practice with the church pianist, then even had time for a nap before getting ready. I got a new dress so actually felt pretty and not too much like a whale - I even wore heels! Well, wedges. And they were off at the reception. :)





The wedding was beautiful, and it was so fun to see my family - our weddings are always a blast. They had dueling pianos at the reception which was really neat, and I even got my belly out on the dance floor a bit. It was great to catch up with my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, and of course, sweet Grandpa.


I made it until the reception ended at midnight and even went to the hospitality suite after to say goodnight to the bride and groom, then crashed around 12:30. We had breakfast with the family this morning, then hit the road for MN again - I drove while Tyge studied Medical Terminology. We're now home for an easy Saturday night in, which is much needed.

Pregnancy Updates:

Physically feeling - not too bad! Getting pretty uncomfortable at this point, but that's to be expected. Feet and ankles swelling, and there's one spot in my mid back near my left ribs that hurts quite a bit - thank goodness Tyge has strong hands! Mornings are rough with pressure and feeling sore down there, I'm fine and feel good during the day, then evenings I get sore and tired again. I'm not sleeping well at all (probably 4-5 hours total at night) but it's just preparing me for when baby comes! At 37 weeks, I'm 50% effaced and not quite dilated yet, so hopefully that means baby stays in there a few more weeks and waits until Daddy gets home to make his/her appearance.

Mentally feeling - okay, to be honest. Like I said above, I have so much going on in my head and am not being very good at giving it up to God. I'm nervous about being gone from work for 3 months and wrapping up as best I can before I leave. I feel like there are a million things to decide on and do and we're running out of time before baby comes. Add in that, with the 20 days we have before D-Day Tyge is gone for 10 of them, and I had some emotional meltdowns last week. With the few days he is home, we have to DO things (interview childcare, projects, etc.) rather than just hang out and enjoy each other, so that's harder than I thought and I didn't handle it the best last week. Luckily, we got a lot done so I feel good about things, and am starting to let go a bit. I'll certainly miss him when he's gone and I think that'll be the toughest part in the coming weeks, so prayers are appreciated there! I have friends and family staying with and checking in on me of course, but no one can comfort and love me like my hunny...

Some of the things we've been checking off our list:


Nursery - is 98% done! Just waiting on a few pieces in there and I'll do a post about it. It looks even better than I had imagined and I can't WAIT to show pictures. It is my favorite room in the house, which is a good thing as I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time in there.


Office - we broke down the workout room in the basement to make room for an actual home office for Tyge, as the office/guest room isn't quite cutting it for his new job and the amount he'll be working from home. Pics to come once it's done!


Doula - we hired a doula to assist with the labor and birth. I really want to have a natural birth (something I *may* do a post about) and labor at home as long as I can, and Tyge is a huge part of that. Since there's a pretty big chance that he'll be gone when I go into labor, I'd wanted to have a backup plan. My mom will be staying with me and will be a huge help of course, but having someone else on call to come help who understands my birth preferences does something to easy my mind. Even if Tyge IS here, I don't think having a doula to assist would hurt anything - it'd only help!  Mary, the lady we hired, is an amazing Christian lady with a joyful yet calming presence, and I really think she'll help make the birthing experience a good one for us.

Childcare - was making my head spin - it's been like a part time job researching that the past few weeks. We had settled on a center close to our house, but I realized I was weeding out a lot of potentially good home day cares in doing that. I started interviewing some (probably 10-15 total) after receiving referrals from friends and church, and I am happy to say we finally selected someone! I feel 100% confident about the love and care Petrie will get once I go back to work, and that's HUGE weight off my shoulders.

Whew - well that's a long enough update for now! More to come this week as I tackle some of the smaller things, I'm sure. Goodnight!

Monday, May 21, 2012

What would have been

Today, May 21st, would have been my due date with baby #1. I think that's a date that will forever be burned in my mind - it's kind of hard to forget. I still vividly remember the excitement of the day I told Tyge we were having a baby, and all the plans I started to make right away for a May baby. Unfortunately, I also remember the pain I felt when I miscarried and realized we wouldn't be having that May baby that we already loved and had started to plan for.

I'd be lying if I said the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant now doesn't help ease the pain of today. Petrie #2 is in NO way a replacement for our first baby, but knowing that we'll soon have this baby to hold in our arms and not just in our hearts is comforting. I honestly can't imagine how I'd feel if we were still trying to conceive or had a second miscarriage and KNOW we're so blessed to have this current healthy pregnancy. I pray for my friends who are trying to conceive every day - infant loss/infertility is such a tough thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So today isn't really a day of sadness or mourning for me, more just reflecting and wondering what would have been. Would that baby have been a boy or girl? Would they have looked like me or Tyge? I do know we'll meet them in heaven someday and find out for ourselves, which also brings comfort. I also know that God had a reason and plan for that baby not to be born, and for us to have our Petrie soon instead. I'm sure when we hold him/her in our arms in 3 months we won't be able to imagine life without them, which wouldn't be possible if we had that first baby.

Most people have to wait years or their whole lifetime to understand God's reasons and plans for bad things happening in their life. For some reason, God was so gracious to Tyge and me and revealed that reason to us within months. I don't fully know if the mission trip was the one and only reason for the first baby loss, but if that was it, then that's enough for me! After a tragedy, many people have to just have faith that God knows what He's doing and live with that, but it was so clear to me that we couldn't have gone on the Puebla trip had we still been pregnant with baby #1. It was a life changing, incredible experience (THAT I STILL NEED TO FINISH BLOGGING ABOUT!!!) and I can't imagine having not gone.

In the days following the miscarriage, before any reasons were revealed to me, two verses that brought me comfort were these: 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the pans I have for you" declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, pans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 19:21 - Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

They helped at the time, and I can now so clearly see that God has a larger plan for our family that we can even imagine. So though I do wonder today what would have been, I am more excited than ever for what is to come - I KNOW with certainty that it is better than anything I would have planned on my own!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

New each morning

We all have them, and yesterday was a bad day for me. I won't go into details, but stress of certain things plus pregnancy hormones = a very bad day. I could sense myself believing Satan's lies throughout the day that I wasn't good enough, even though I KNOW my identity is in Christ and not my job or anything else! One of my awesome coworkers could tell I was having a tough time so sent me this reminder over IM: 

Hang in there. Your identity is not what anyone says about you on any given day. Your Identity is Christ's daughter, saved and redeemed by his grace. That is who you are, what matters, and what is important every day, good days or bad. Does not make the circumstances any easier, but it's truth. Try to remember that when you are being told, or made to feel you're doing a bad job.

Wow. I took a few moments after reading that and prayed as I renounced the lies I was feeling. I also texted some prayer warriors and felt peace as I was covered in prayer. Tyge was out of town so I got to talk to him on the phone about my crappy day, but I didn't vent to or lean on him as much as I would have had he been home, and I learned a valuable lesson.

I so often go to Tyge/family/friends to vent/talk/cry before (and in some cases even in place of!) going to God. For some reason having someone tangible to listen to and verbally agree with me is easier and more instantly gratifying than taking it to God and "waiting" on His wisdom, guidance, and comfort. So because Tyge wasn't there last night to listen to me whine :) I spent a lot of time in prayer, talking to God. Okay, and to Keely.

I went to bed feeling peace and calm, and woke up feeling the same way. This morning I had a 7 AM dentist appointment and was honestly a bit nervous as I've only ever had one cavity and didn't react so well to the Novocaine and drilling, but I was feeling good about it today. As soon as I got there, the dentist took a look in my mouth and said that it was such a small cavity that he didn't need to drill, and only needed to put some sealant on the side of my tooth! The whole process took a few minutes and I was done. I went to the front to pay what I thought was going to be around $150 (what insurance quoted me) and the receptionist said the Dr. did it no charge - I was good to go.

I got to my car and just thanked God - his mercy, grace, and love is amazing! After such a tough day yesterday, I cried out to Him and He showed me His love in a real, tangible way. Since I was done earlier than I thought I was able to get an iced (decaf!) coffee and spend some time in the Word. I read Lamentations 3:22-23:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

These words hit me as so true - only God could take the emotions of a pregnant woman and through His compassion, give her peace and make her feel loved. Today I chose joy over my circumstances and you know what? The things that happened weren't necessarily any better, but I chose to not let anything steal my joy or believe any lies, and it was a good day.

Praise God for his mercies that are new each morning!

Our lake one morning last summer

Saturday, April 28, 2012

First Date

This is totally something only a girl would remember, but 5 years ago yesterday was Tyge and my first date! I'll never forget this week 5 years ago, and it's so awesome to think of how far we've come since then...

So Tyge and I met 5 years ago this past Wednesday night at Barfly - keeping it classy. Coincidentally, on Wednesday I was walking to Crave downtown for lunch and walked right past Barfly so had to stop and take a pic to send to Tyge. :)


Last night I made reservations where we had our first date, Vic's on St. Anthony Main. I still vividly remember our first date from what we wore (black tank top, jeans, heels for me and a black button up with stripes and jeans for him) to what we drank and ate (martinis and Sea Bass) and what we talked about (our jobs, backgrounds, get to know you stuff) . Tonight's date was quite the contrast (I wore maternity jeans, drank lemonade, and we talked about Petrie and parenting) but just as enjoyable, if not more so. Though the "first date butterflies" weren't there, that spark still was and it was fun to relive our first date.

And here we are, 5 years later, married with a child on the way. God is so graceful, so good, and I am forever grateful and blessed that He matched Tyge and I up that night 5 years ago.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Courageous

Tyge and I watched Courageous this past weekend and both thought it was a fantastic movie.




It's from the creators of Fireproof and is definitely a Christian movie in mainstream culture. I know critics tore it apart - so yeah maybe the acting is a little cheesy, maybe the chase/fight scenes aren't as realistic, maybe it's a tad dramatic, but it has an awesome message, is uplifting, powerful, and honoring to God. The movie is about four male police officers who are called to serve and protect their community, but are struggling to do the same at home. After a tragedy strikes and causes them to wrestle with their faith and fears, they make a pact to raise their children in a God-honoring way and to be more present fathers.


A few weeks ago Tyge and I watched a documentary called "Absent" which ran parallel to the message in Courageous - the absence of an earthly father can leave a severe impact on a child. Some eye-opening statistics highlighted in the film include:
  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
  • 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
  • 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
  • 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.


What does this mean?  Children from fatherless homes are:
  • 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide 
  • 6.6 times to become teenage mothers
  • 24.3 times more likely to run away
  • 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
  • 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions
  • 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
  • 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school
  • 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

I guess because I grew up in a home with a father not only present but loving and attentive, I never really thought about this problem. Most of my friends also had Dads as great as mine, so it fatherlessness wasn't really a part of my world. Now that I'm an adult and have have seen more than what my limited high school bubble exposed me to, I have seen several cases where the absence of a father has left a negative impact on someone.


I don't know the full answer to the problem but I do know that the ideas in the movie Courageous are a great starting point. These men signed a declaration of sorts stating how they would serve their families and raise their children from then on. They used the many examples in scripture of how to be a "good" father - a few examples like:


Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."


Proverbs 23:24 - "The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him."


Ephesians 6:4 - "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."


My strong belief is that the only way earthly fathers can live these verses our and raise their children in such a way is because of God as the ultimate example of a Father.


Psalm 103:13 - "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him." - A good father has compassion.


Proverbs 3:11-12 - "My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." - A good father disciplines out of love.


Matthew 6:14 - "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - A good father forgives.

John 15:9 - "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you." - A good father models how to love by his love.


Luke 6:36 - "Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful." - A good father is merciful.

I guess my point in all of this is that watching the movie made me so grateful for my earthly father (my Dad!) growing up, and so excited to see Tyge be a father someday as well. I know we will both raise our children in a God-honoring and loving home, but there is something about being married to a man who will be am amazing father someday that makes my heart smile.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Helpful hints for dealing

On the heels of my "Words" post, I got to thinking about what was and wasn't helpful (both words and actions) during my miscarriage, that happened exactly two months ago today. Before I had mine I knew a few women who had one, but up until our good friends had one weeks before us it hadn't hit anyone super close to me and I didn't really know how to "deal with" those who had one. I've read similar blog posts about how to treat someone who has lost a child, how to talk to a family with children via adoption, how to best help someone who has cancer, and most recently a post like this from a Blogger I read who also had a miscarriage. All of these posts have been extremely beneficial for me to read, as I didn't know that the words I was using or the actions I was (or wasn't!) doing were potentially hurtful and not helpful in someone else's tragic situation - the last thing a well intentioned person wants.

Here are my thoughts, and just MY thoughts, on what was and wasn't helpful for me during our hard time. This may not be the case for all women who are part of this "club", but such was the case for me. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh or anything, and the reason I have this list is because most people in my life did the DO's and not the DONT's during my hard time - I am so lucky!
First of all, know that it’s OKAY to not know what to say! You can say just that. “I’m so sorry, friend. I don’t know what to say. I hate that this is happening to you and I wish I could make it better.”
  • Do say "I'm sorry for your loss" because that's exactly what it is - a loss. 
  • Don't speculate (especially aloud!) as to why it happened, as if it were a disease, horrible medical condition, or something that could have been helped.

  • Do send texts and emails and leave messages. I can't tell you how much it meant to have people checking in via text to say "I love you and am thinking about you."
  • Don't expect those calls, texts, and emails to be returned right away, but know they are much appreciated. Checking in is good, but give the person some time and space to grieve and they will get back to you when ready.

  • Do send a card. We got a flurry of cards in the mail right after it happened and people started to find out, and reading each one (especially from people I least expected it from!) made me feel so loved and brought a smile to my face. The fact that people took the time to write, address, and stamp a letter to mail meant a lot. It will certainly make me better at sending cards to those experiencing tragedy as I know how much it helped me!
  • Maybe even send flowers - I got four bouquets and let me tell you, they brightened my house up and brought such joy in time of sorrow.
  • Don't ask "how are you doing" in the few days following the loss because the real answer is "crappy" which no one actually says, and it takes effort to make up a response other than "fine".

  • Do offer to bring a meal, if you want. My mom brought over a meal and it was so nice not to have to worry about cooking or have to eat frozen pizza, but to have the comfort of a nice meal. Offering up help in any way was so appreciated, and we had many offers from friends who wanted to bring ice cream, wine, clean our house, etc. We didn't really take anyone up on it but just knowing my friends and family cared that much and offered their time and help was an awesome feeling.
  • Don't say (at least not right away) "You'll have another one" because you don't 100% know that, and it minimizes the current loss. Getting pregnant isn't easy, and immediately after the loss isn't the time to think or talk about the trying again.

  • Do offer up success stories of pregnancy after miscarriage, when you feel the person is ready to receive it (and this depends on the person if they want to hear it). I had many people tell me about their or someone they knew's pregnancy success after loss and though every story is different, hearing those gave me hope.
  • Don't say "I know how you feel" unless you've also had a miscarriage. Even if you've lost a close family member, this kind of loss is different than any I've experienced so though you can sympathize, don't try to empathize unless you, too, are a part of the "club".

  • Do be a listening ear if the person wants to talk, but
  • Don't ask too many questions. Sometimes it was really helpful to talk about it, but when I wanted to be done talking about it, I wanted to be done talking about it.

  • Do offer up distraction when the person is ready - dinner out, a movie, shopping, something to get their mind off of things and get them out of the house.
  • Don't bring the person somewhere where there are a lot of babies or pregnant women. Now I know that's hard because they are everywhere! I avoided Target for a few weeks because it was filled with expectant moms, but I'm just saying don't take the person to a park, for instance. :)

  • Do know that the person loves your babies and kids and in any normal circumstance, loves hearing about them, but immediately after a miscarriage may not be the best time to tell a cute anecdote about Junior. And this next one is really hard, but...
  • Tread lightly in talking about your pregnancy if you are currently pregnant and have a friend who loses a baby - at least for a few days. This was tough for me because I had a few friends who were pregnant at the time I had my miscarriage. While I was happy for them before our loss and was still happy for them after, hearing about their pregnancy in the few days following our loss would have been really hard. Luckily, my friends are very sensitive and tactful, and no one did that. :)
  • Do understand that the person may not get over it right away or in the time that society thinks they should. There isn't a well known statistic that say "4-6 weeks is the average grieving time for miscarriage" because, well, there isn't a timeline for that. Everyone else around may forget about it, but the person it happened to has a hard time "just getting over it". Even though it's now been two months since mine, I still have hard days and certain things still trigger emotions from the loss.
  • Lastly, and perhaps most important is Do pray for the person and their spouse and let them know you are doing so. Hearing from friends (even still!) that they were praying for me was such a blessing, as sometimes I didn't have the words to say myself, so knowing someone was interceding for me was awesome. Prayer us powerful and a HUGE part of the reason I'm doing as well as I am - God's healing power through my loved ones praying for me. I don't know how I would have gotten through this with those prayers covering me.

Anyway, as I've said recently, things are getting better day by day and I am excited (though a little anxious and nervous) to try again. I just happened to read another post like this the other day and came up with some thoughts of my own that may or may not be helpful to others. If anything, it's good for me to have it written down so that I know how to help anyone else who joins this "club", though I pray no one else close to me has to!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Idle Words

Let me first start by saying this post was inspired by no one person in particular, so if you're reading this please don't think I'm talking about you! That being said, I've read a few statuses on Facebook lately (I have 709 "friends" so again, don't even remember specifically whose) of pregnant women. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to (I had to take a FB hiatus for a few weeks) but a few in particular have been complaining about being pregnant.

Now I've never been pregnant long enough to feel uncomfortable or awkward, as I'm sure pregnancy can get. However, it made me a little mad, for lack of a better word, that there are people (most likely jokingly) complaining about having a precious little one inside when there are people (like me) who want nothing more than 9 months of bloating, food aversions, nausea, swelling, weight gain and uncomfortable sleep if it meant I could carry a baby to term. Again, I know these people are posting more for humor's sake or just to say something clever, but it reminded me that words are powerful and we need to watch what we say, for we never know who we may inadvertently be hurting.

Since becoming more firm in my Christian walk, I've worked hard to curb my tongue with regards to swearing or blatantly nasty talk. Obscenities, profanity, cursing, dirty jokes, or making fun of others is not something that should ever be found in the mouth of a believer. “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:4 NIV). I'm also reminded that "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips" (Colossians 3:8).

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect and NEVER utter a curse word, but it's something I make a daily conscious effort to try not to do. However, I find myself complaining about little things all the time with no idea of what I'm truly saying! It's also so easy for me to get caught up in "office gossip" and I don't even realize I'm participating in it until I've already uttered the words. Jesus warned that our words are so important that they will actually determine our condemnation or justification. He said we will be held responsible for all our words, even our careless, idle words. “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matthew 12:36-37).

In Ephesians, Paul cautioned believers to not allow any corrupt or worthless talk to come from their mouth. Only those things which lift-up, encourage, and are gracious should be expressed to others. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

To help remind me to do this, I have a little Post-It on my desk with this saying:

Pinned Image

While this is a good exercise in trying to keep bad talk out of your mouth, even in saying things that are "okay" by the above categories I can be misusing my words. For example:
  • I shouldn't complain about hunger and say "I'm starving" because I have NO idea what real hunger is and have never gone without a meal.
  • I shouldn't complain about temperature and say "I'm freezing" because I've never had to sleep outside in the true cold elements.
  • I shouldn't complain about the common cold and say "I don't feel good" because I have a relatively healthy body that has never been plagued with terminal cancer or any other life threatening illness.
  • I shouldn't complain about my wardrobe and say "I have nothing to wear!" because I have a closet FULL of clothes that are not only functional but stylish.
  • I shouldn't complain about my job and say "I had a long day at work" because I have a job in this tough economy.
  • I shouldn't complain about the clutter and say "My house is a mess" because I have a roof over my head.
  • I shouldn't complain about my husband and say "My husband didn't do xyz" because I am blessed to have a husband who loves and serves me.

Lastly I'll end with a quote from motivational great Zig Ziglar who says that, "What comes out of your mouth is determined by what goes into your mind." So I need to practice filling my mind with God's word and do what it says in Philippians 4:8:
Pinned Image

If I put God's Word and promises into my mind, those same uplifting and encouraging words will come out of my mouth. Heavenly Father, help me to do such things!