Before I had her, I said that I needed to return to work, wanted to work, and genuinely felt I would be a better mother if I was working - you know, having my "own" daily life and identity outside of being a mom. Well I don't know who I was kidding. I've loved every single minute of being Aven's mommy full time and would rather do that 24/7 than any other job on earth (even a professional singer, my "dream" job!). Don't get me wrong - I really do enjoy my job and love the people I work with so feel blessed to return to that environment, but will so miss being with my little girl every minute of every day.
These past (almost) 12 weeks have flown by so fast - everyone told me they would, and they weren't kidding! I can honestly say it's been the toughest and best 12 weeks of my life, and things truly keep getting better each day. That's why it's so tough to leave her NOW because she's not the helpless dependant little newborn, but getting to be such a sweet, fun little baby whose personality is just now really developing. I feel like I know her so well, know what each cry and coo means, know her routine and schedule, and know exactly what to do to make her happy. I fear that, in returning to work and not being with her all day, I'll lose that. I won't know her as well anymore. And that makes me sad beyond belief. I know I'll still have weeknights and weekends, but also know how much I'll miss out on each day. She is growing and changing and learning so much every day and I'm sad that instead of being a part of her daily world, I'll be working.
In addition to feeling sad, I'm filled with fears - some irrational, some not. I'm afraid she'll love the nanny we hired more than me. I'm afraid I won't be able to pump enough to give her milk for each day. I'm afraid she won't want to nurse when I am home. I'm afraid I won't get anything done besides loving on her, because that's all I'll want to do in the moments I'm not at work. I'm afraid she'll love the nanny more than me.
Financially, I do have to go back to work so there's not much choice there. Tyge and I talked and I COULD stay home, but it would be a big cut for us and we're just not able to do that right now. I know 100% that God would provide and we'd be okay if I did stay home, but it was always the "plan" for me to go back, so I'm going to. My dad made an excellent point that if I didn't go back now but in 2 months decided I wanted to, my job would be gone. However, if I go back and 2 months from now decide that I just can't do it, I can always leave. I think that once I go back I'll be fine and will probably adjust and do well in my new working mother role, I've just gotten so used to my stay at home mommy role and am afraid of the change.
So for the next 9 days I plan on locking myself in our house and staring at this face all day:
(Don't judge my penguin comfy pants...)
And this face:
(Don't judge my striped comfy pants)
And doing lots of this:
And with that, I'm off to go snuggle my sweet baby girl!