Monday, May 21, 2012

What would have been

Today, May 21st, would have been my due date with baby #1. I think that's a date that will forever be burned in my mind - it's kind of hard to forget. I still vividly remember the excitement of the day I told Tyge we were having a baby, and all the plans I started to make right away for a May baby. Unfortunately, I also remember the pain I felt when I miscarried and realized we wouldn't be having that May baby that we already loved and had started to plan for.

I'd be lying if I said the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant now doesn't help ease the pain of today. Petrie #2 is in NO way a replacement for our first baby, but knowing that we'll soon have this baby to hold in our arms and not just in our hearts is comforting. I honestly can't imagine how I'd feel if we were still trying to conceive or had a second miscarriage and KNOW we're so blessed to have this current healthy pregnancy. I pray for my friends who are trying to conceive every day - infant loss/infertility is such a tough thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So today isn't really a day of sadness or mourning for me, more just reflecting and wondering what would have been. Would that baby have been a boy or girl? Would they have looked like me or Tyge? I do know we'll meet them in heaven someday and find out for ourselves, which also brings comfort. I also know that God had a reason and plan for that baby not to be born, and for us to have our Petrie soon instead. I'm sure when we hold him/her in our arms in 3 months we won't be able to imagine life without them, which wouldn't be possible if we had that first baby.

Most people have to wait years or their whole lifetime to understand God's reasons and plans for bad things happening in their life. For some reason, God was so gracious to Tyge and me and revealed that reason to us within months. I don't fully know if the mission trip was the one and only reason for the first baby loss, but if that was it, then that's enough for me! After a tragedy, many people have to just have faith that God knows what He's doing and live with that, but it was so clear to me that we couldn't have gone on the Puebla trip had we still been pregnant with baby #1. It was a life changing, incredible experience (THAT I STILL NEED TO FINISH BLOGGING ABOUT!!!) and I can't imagine having not gone.

In the days following the miscarriage, before any reasons were revealed to me, two verses that brought me comfort were these: 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the pans I have for you" declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, pans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 19:21 - Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

They helped at the time, and I can now so clearly see that God has a larger plan for our family that we can even imagine. So though I do wonder today what would have been, I am more excited than ever for what is to come - I KNOW with certainty that it is better than anything I would have planned on my own!

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