Alone

Funny my last post should be about the "M" word...well, not funny really, just ironic.

Tyge was bow hunting this past weekend so I was home alone, which I was really looking forward to! I had a great weekend planned, to include back-to-back episodes of "Say Yes To The Dress" and "Chopped" on Friday night, bringing dinner to my new niece and a date with my mom on Saturday, and church on Sunday followed by chores, napping, watching the Emmy Red Carpet, and waiting for my hunny to get home. The only child in me craves alone time every now and again so I was really looking forward to some! No offense to Tyge... :)

Everything was going fine until I went for a 30 minute run/walk with Keely on Saturday morning and came home to find what no pregnant mom-to-be wants to see - blood. My stomach dropped. It was hard because I had no one to share it with, as Tyge was gone (with no cell service in the woods) and we haven't told anyone yet. Because there wasn't a lot, I decided to wait until Monday to call my clinic and not go to the ER or anything. Saturday was a good day but it was hard to be around my mom and a new baby all day and not say anything. Sunday, the "problem" was still there so I called my clinic's on call nurse line, and the nurse who called me back said it was possibly implantation blood and there was no need to worry. She said I was too early along to have an ultrasound (my first appointment is 10/5) and that if something was happening, to just wait it out and if there was more blood, I'd know. She said from there I could take another pregnancy test in a few weeks and it would most likely be negative if something had happened.

A few WEEKS?

Tyge happened to come in from the woods and call me at the exact moment I hung up with the clinic and I just broke down at the sound of his voice. When he got home, I filled him in and we decided to wait. And pray. And pray some more.

This morning I couldn't take it and called my clinic again, asking if there was anything I could do to find out one way or another rather than just wait until the 10/5 appointment. The awesome nurse, Joanie, said I could come in and have my blood drawn which would test the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels, then come in again on Wednesday and get them tested again. They should be going up and if not, it's most likely a miscarriage. I'm thankful they could get me in today and just want to know one way or the other, so I can prepare and move on. I know that sounds harsh, but this in between waiting stage is no fun.

Obviously, it is the desire of my heart to have this child. Even though he/she is only five weeks old, I love them so much already. I cannot imagine the amount of love a mother must have for her child, as mine is so great for my unborn, at 5 weeks old. It is great that God created a mother's heart to be so big, and I think he gave me an extra dose of that love. On the other hand, that mother's love causes my heart to hurt at even the idea of something happening to my baby...

There is nothing I can do besides wait. And pray. And pray some more. Like I said in last week's post, if something were to happen it wouldn't change my faith in or love for God in any way! I would fully accept and understand that this wasn't the child that He had intended for us, and He would have something even greater down the road that would be revealed to us later.

But for now, I'm trying not to go there. I'm going about my daily life as if I'm pregnant, though I'm trying to guard my heart and not look at strollers or nursery furniture online. And trying not to kick myself for that $150 worth of maternity clothes I ordered this weekend from Old Navy's online sale.

I cannot put into words how much I desire to have this child, and this has been my hourly prayer these past few days, and will continue to be until I get an answer one way or the other.

Heavenly Father, I know you know what's best for my and my family. Even though I only have a limited view of what's in front of me at the moment, you can see the bigger picture. I fully trust that you have a plan for me, you only want good for me and that you would never give me anything that I couldn't handle. That being said, I would ask for your protection over this little baby inside and that you would help him/her to grow fully. I also know I am not alone in this, I know you are with me. I trust you and your plan, and right now I just pray that your plan and will aligns with my heart's desire. Amen.